Hilarious Affair Stories

The 1st Affair

A married man is having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep, and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed, and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary...we had sex all afternoon.'


She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters.
But they always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'


The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, horrified.
'Schwartz is dead???'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.
'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing...'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent!?!' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted. 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'


'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Backstrom

Backstrom is a new crime/satyr/drama television show that airs every Thursday 9:00 PM on FOX channel started on January 22, 2015. Took set in Portland, Oregon but originally based off a detective story book by a Swedish author, Leif G. W. Persson.

Disorder in the Courts

From a book called Disorder in the Courts; things people actually said in court, published by court reporters that had to stay calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

CSI: CYBER

WARNING:
SPOILER ALERT Mode: ON

Viewer discretion is advised

Self Injury Awareness Day 2015

Don't judge, EMPATHIZE!
Don't preach, LISTEN!
Don't walk away, HOLD THEIR HANDS!

There's nothing pretty about self-harming nor taboo to talk about.
Most people will think that those who "cuts" themselves as losers, cowards or morons.
Maybe you're right...

There are times when our mind thinking too loud, we heard static ringing in our ears.
There are times when we couldn't find words to communicate verbally.
There are times when we just need to do something to release all the suffocating pressures.
And when those times come, we often turn to pain...
We're on constant battle with our emotions.

We need the pain to validate that it is real, not a dream.
The scars to remind us of what we've been through.

But don't get me wrong, we do want to live.
We're not proud of what we did to our self, thus why we hide it so well.
We know we need help, but often don't know how or who to ask, but mostly we feel we don't have the option to seek help.

Don't judge, EMPATHIZE!
Don't preach, LISTEN!
Don't walk away, HOLD MY  HAND!

Catfish: The TV Show | Season 4

Just to be clear, I am not a fan of "reality show". I only following religiously 2 reality shows, Running Man and Catfish.

When You're Single On Valentine's Day

5+ Types of Facial Looks

People's face mostly is the first thing we noticed before anything else. Some research says you only need a glimpse on one's face for your brain to send 'hints' whether you'll gonna like them or not, or at least if you want to look more at them or continue to scan the room for other interesting thing.

Conchita Wurst - Rise Like A Phoenix - Austria - Live at the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest

Waking in the rubble
Walking over glass
Neighbors say we're trouble
Well that time has passed

Peering from the mirror
No, that isn't me
A stranger getting nearer
Who can this person be

You wouldn't know me at all today
From the fading light I fly

Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame

Go about your business
Act as if you're free
No one could have witnessed
What you did to me

'Cause you wouldn't know me today
And you have got to see
To believe
From the fading light I fly

Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn

I rise up to the sky
You threw me down but
I'm gonna fly

And rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame

When my phone's off/ on silent mode

As a professional procrastinator, I often forgot to recharge my phone OR when I left it on silent mode cause I need all the silence to procrastinate. During this situation and my parents decided to give me a call, here's what mostly happens :

Dad would : * left 3 missedcalls
                     * 1 text msg --> call me back when you read this

Mom would : * text msgs --> where are you?
                                         --> pick up your phone
                                         --> are you sick?
                                         --> hello?
                                         --> why are you still not answering my calls?
                      * 26 misscalled in total